We are on the countdown now to big school starting...less than three weeks to go! Every time I wonder whether big guy is really, truly ready, he says something else really smart that convinces me that he is. Today he asked a question that really got me thinking. We were just driving in the car when he asked, "Mommy, what does it feel like to be a parent?"
Of course, this is a question with no easy answer. I told him that being a parent usually feels like your heart is about to explode with love. But now I am thinking about what I will tell him when he is older, when he is becoming a parent himself. What does it feel like to be a parent?
It feels scary. There is a quote that says becoming a mom is deciding to allow your heart to walk around outside your body, and that is a terrifying feeling. You worry about things you never thought about before. You worry about things you used to worry about, but to a much bigger degree. You worry pretty much all the time. It's scary.
It feels miraculous. With every new skill your child learns, with every stage they pass, you realize that you created this awesome being. You brought him into this world, and now he is a wonderfully real, fully formed person who is a joy to get to know. To have a child is to watch a miracle in front of you every single day.
It feels confusing. We have two wonderful living children, but I miss the two we don't have with us. It doesn't make sense to miss someone you never got to meet. I never knew their genders, their hair color, their weight...but I feel their absences from my life every day, like two little holes in my heart. There is no way to make sense of this, but it is there just the same.
It feels amazing. That's the easiest way to put it. Being a parent feels a lot of things, but mostly it feels amazing. I'm so grateful that it's a feeling I know.
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